Monday, February 15, 2010

So I was watching Peter Jackson's King Kong when suddenly AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Ok, so it wasn't sudden at all. I'll start at the beginning. It was my second time watching the movie in as many days, and I got to the part where Jack Black's character Carl Denham tells a packed theater that "17 of our crew suffered horrible deaths" in pursuit of Kong.

It got me thinking, just how many people did die on Skull Island? What was the exact body count?

With absolutely nothing better to do, I watched all the Skull Island scenes over and over...

And I shall now share the incredible results with you. Warning: You may find these gross errors in judgment on the part of Jackson horrifying. I know I did.


Death 1: Mike, Carl's sound guy, impaled by spear.
Figure 1a.
Figure 1b.

Death 2: Random extra, presumably part of Carl's crew, clubbed to death by native.
Figure 2b.

Death 3: Random extra, Venture crewman, killed by a native who kidnaps Ann Darrow.
Figure 3a.

Death 4: Random extra, Venture crew member, crushed by stampeding dinosaur.
Figure 4a.

Death 5: Random extra, Venture crewman, smashed by stampeding dinosaur against rock face.
Figure 5a.

Death 6: Random extra, Venture crewman, knocked off cliff by stampeding dinosaur. *Wilhelm scream*
Figure 6a.
Figure 6b.

Death 7: Herb, Carl's cameraman, killed by raptors.
Figure 7a.
Figure 7b.

Death 8: Hayes, token black character and Venture helmsman, killed by King Kong.
Figure 8a.
Figure 8b.
Figure 8c.

Death 9: Random extra, Venture crewman, knocked off log by King Kong and into the chasm below.
Figure 9a.

Death 10: Random extra, Venture crewman, knocked off log by King Kong and into the chasm below.
Figure 10a.

Death 11: Choy, Venture crewman, token Chinese dude, and Lumpy the cook's good friend, knocked off log by King Kong and into the chasm below.
Figure 11a.
Figure 11b.
Figure 11c.

Death 12: Random extra, Venture crewman, attempts to escape the "bug pit" in the chasm by climbing the rocks, but is killed by a huge prehistoric bug.
Figure 12a.
Figure 12b.

Death 13: Lumpy the cook, eaten by giant prehistoric penis-maggots.
Figure 13a.

Now so far the cast is being picked off pretty steadily, one by one. Well things start heating up as King Kong flies into a rage during his capture.

Deaths 14, 15, 16, 17: King Kong rears up from his ropes binding him, sending his captors, well flying pretty far, and it's doubtful they survived.
Figure 14a.

Deaths 18 and 19: King Kong pulls one of the ropes that has been anchored to a rock face, dislodging the rock, and bringing 2 more random extras down with it.
Figure 15a.

Deaths 20 and 21: 2 more random extras decide it in their wisdom to discharge their weapons at King Kong. This proves to be a fatal mistake as Kong deals a swift blow with his arm, smashing them against the rock face.
Figure 16a.
Figure 16b.

Death 22: Random extra, Venture crewman, Asian dude #2, gets 3 shots off at King Kong (I counted 'em), pissing him off greatly, and is grabbed and has his head bit off, and his decapitated body is carelessly tossed aside.
Figure 17a.
Figure 17b.

Deaths 23, 24, 25, 26, and 27: All random extras, and Venture crewman, in a rowboat recently vacated by protagonists Jack Driscoll, Carl Denham, and Jimmy the-cabin-boy-we're-supposed-to-care-about. Kong picks up the boat and tosses it into a cliff face sending the occupants flying. As subsequent scenes do not show any survivors swimming towards the remaining boat, I am left to assume they perished.
Figure 18a.
Figure 18b.

So PJ, thought you could make me believe only 17 people died? Well I guess I caught you red handed! I know you love your body counts, and I understand how coming out of LotR, it might be hard to tone it down, but if you're going to explicitly mention the number of people who died in a movie, at least make it so it can be proved. Instead, you killed off nearly 30 people!