Wednesday, June 2, 2010

When's Uwe Boll gonna make a film about this BP oil spill?

So apparantly Uwe Boll feels very passionate about certain contemporary issues, and he made his first foray into topical films last year with Darfur. So I figure it's just a matter of time before he starts tackling the environment. Given his knack for writing, filming, editing and distributing roughly 4 films a year, he could easily produce a film about this oil spill crisis in the Gulf before it's even resolved. I can see it now...Vancouver, standing in for a Louisiana bayou, is home to Jack (played by Til Schweiger) a shrimper and ex-special forces operative who just wants to be left alone. He discovers evidence that the oil company caused the spill deliberately, or, given that this is a Uwe Boll film, that the oil is really some sort of chemical to create supersoldiers or some shit. Either way, before you can say, "hey there aren't any snow capped mountains on the Louisiana coast," Jack's got fucking ninjas pursuing him through Louisiana swamps, err, Canadian fjords. There needs to be a marketplace chase as well, with motorcycles. And lots of close ups of spent shells spitting out of guns in slow motion to make up for the fact that there is no drama. And lots of shaky cam to make up for the fact that there is nothing really interesting going on at all. In the end, Jack returns to his solitary existence after a final battle in which he fights a supersoldier inside of a New Orleans brothel. While it's on fire. During Mardi Gras.

Uwe, you can have this one for free.