Friday, May 11, 2012

Burnt Out.

I thought it would never end. For the last two months I've been landing so much work. A 3 week gig, then a 1 day gig, then a 2 week gig, then 2 two-day gigs...back to back to back to back...

When I was first starting to freelance as a PA, I was lucky to work 3 jobs a year. Now I'm at the point where I have to turn down job opportunities due to scheduling conflicts with other jobs...

...and it was exhilarating.

And suddenly, in the middle of this most recent job - it no longer was.

I...I simply couldn't bring myself to care anymore.

No matter how much I tried to get psyched, no matter how much I told myself that this is what I want to do, that I am trying to make a career out of this, no matter how much I told myself I should have the integrity to bring 110% on every job, no matter how much sugary beverages I drank...

...I just couldn't care. I wasn't exhausted, and it wasn't physical - not a sore back or aching feet - but nevertheless I felt completely drained - I just had no motivation anymore. No willpower. I was bored, lethargic, and largely useless. My head was just not in the game at all.

I also had a terrible attitude. Everything pissed me off. I felt like the job was shitty, the people were shitty, and I felt shitty.  I know I'm meant for bigger and better things, but that doesn't give me the right to act like the PA work that's getting me by is beneath me. But I was sick of it all. Sick of the snafus, sick of driving around field producers, sick of learning the names of people I will never see again, sick of the crafty, sick of time cards, sick of I-9s, sick of minimum wage, sick of the responsibilities and the pressure. I probably came across as tactless, entitled, and arrogant at various points throughout the shoot. Like a highschooler on the last day of school before vacation.

I knew the longer I stayed, the worse it would get, so I opted out of the final day. This side of me is not the person I want people to meet on the job.

I think I need to take a break.

It's weird though. I know there are people in this industry who work much harder and longer than I ever have,  and are able to kick ass each and every day. People whose jobs make PA work seem positively cushy by comparison. And to think those are the kind of jobs I'm striving for...